I had some drinks with some friends tonight. We talked about how they have been friends for over 25 years, watched each other go through heartache, go through divorce, and are now finally together, happy and in love. They know they are each other's soul mate. This got me thinking... Soul mates.
I believe that we all have soul mates, different kinds of soul mates. We have friends that are your friend soul mate, everything clicks and you will always be the best of friends. We have the typical romantic soul mates. We also have soul mates that are meant to be your soul mate for that certain time in your life. And honestly the romantic soul mate scares me! Love scares me. Being in love is a vulnerable feeling, a feeling I'm not sure I am ready to take. I want to be ready, I want to feel love and to be loved. In a way I want the fairy tale ending. But my own walls make it hard for me to put myself truly out there. I don't want the hurt of a broken heart, yet I think that you have to have many broken hearts, those relationships are the lessons for the One. I want the guy that is going to fight the walls, help me bring them down, have the patience for me to accept vulnerability. I know he's out there...I've been told so many times that maybe its just not the time. Whenever I hear that I am reminded of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte says "I've been dating for 15 years, where is he already!?" Exactly, where the hell is he? Or at least where the hell are the "frogs" before my "prince". [When I say prince I don't mean the perfect storybook prince charming. I mean the prince for me, the ideal guy that fits me. The fun, dorky, sometimes flawed guy.]
Now don't assume I'm on a mission to find a guy, get married, have kids. These are things I want eventually. I want to have my career established, I want to have adventures, to experience life. But I'd also like to have someone to share these things with. If we get married down the road...that's perfect.
I had a friend recently tell me that I am boy crazy...I am. Whats wrong with that? I become attracted to someone and then want to see where that could lead. And that attraction can leave as fast as it showed itself. It's all part of 'the dating thing, the finding out what you really want'. What is so bad about that? I used to be the girl that had a guys mind set, life is about sex. I want sex, I want it all the time and that's all it was purely sex.. I was content with just random hook ups, with booty calls. I enjoyed it, it worked for that time in my life. I'm past that, I realize it's time to leave that lifestyle in the past, time to look for something with substance. I find myself knowing this, but also having a hard time accepting and allowing it. Again, that whole vulnerable feeling.
I'm so sick of the Game, I find the Game to be pathetic, if you like someone tell them, whats the point in playing with them. If you don't feel its the time to be with that person, then don't make them think it could be. Now when it comes to the hooking up Game, I rocked that, because really it was nothing, just sex. Once I started to have feelings for the guy, I became a blubbering idiot of the Game. It goes back to the ugh just enough already, stop with the games, you want to be with me..great, if not...then don't lead me on. Because really do you actually gain anything from it? Awesome you got some girl to fall for you, then you crushed her by leading her on with no intentions of it being anything, yes you truly are a great person now for doing that. -I just don't understand how people find this behavior to be acceptable. I think it's cowardly and a shame that people have to build their self-esteem from hurting others.
So as I close this intoxicated rambling of a grrr I'm single and tired of it rant.
Where is my penguin?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
It's here
This probably isn't the best topic for my first post, I promise these won't all be depressing. =]
February...
Oh what a month, most would think I hate this month because I am single and have never had a romantic Valentine. However it's so much more. February 14, 2006 my life changed forever. I spent the evening with my very close friends, having some drinks, laughing, watching intramural basketball games, and jamming to NKOTB. This is also the night my best friend took her life.
Of course now I look back at that night I see all the signs, I know, I know she had her mind made up, she would have done it no matter what, how was I supposed to know(?).
I have tremendous guilt. I knew she was depressed, she had mentioned in the past how she wasn't happy and how life would be easier dead, I'd cry with her and tell her how we'd get past this. Instead of not reporting it and knowing what to look for in suicidal people and their comments, I refused to believe that this was a reality. Or was it just me being naive? I can't get past how I kept thinking that night "what is wrong with her, something is not right". That day she did everything people who take their life do, she contacted all the people she held close in her heart told them how much she loved them, how proud she was of them. She also kept saying that she loved us so much, that she hoped nothing bad ever happens to us. That last part angers me, something bad did happen, she caused it to happen. All the events from the moment of finding out to watching her go in to the ground, are all a vivid blur. We had professors from the counseling program hold group counseling sessions. In one of the sessions, an old friend of McKaylee's put a lot of blame on me and my friends, she said it was our fault she did this. Because we were drinking, I now realize that of course this friend was angry, it is easier to put blame on someone instead of believing it was a choice the person chose. (I also know that the drinking more than likely made it easier for her to go through with it.)
Everyday that goes by, I am stuck with an inner struggle. I have accepted the fact that this was her choice, that I couldn't have changed anything. Yet I do have the what ifs, what if I had said something to someone, what if she had received the proper help, she'd still be here being goofy with me. Being my McKayKay .
But she isn't. So now while I feel constant hurt in my heart, I am so thankful that she was in my life. It really sucks though how the memories that stick out the most are of the last few hours we spent with her, and the events of her funeral. Some days it feels like this is all a dream I'll wake up not knowing the confusion and hurt of losing someone to suicide and my friend will call me just to make fun of my mom's accent, or to tell me she sharted, or pester me to cut her hair, or have me teach her how to wear mascara...
I am slowly changing my thinking and attempting to be thankful that I was one of the last people she wanted to spend time with before her end. I sometimes do wonder if I am actually starting to work through the different grief stages, or am I numbing myself of all of this, basically ignoring it ever happened. I do know that this year on February 14TH I'll still take a shot of Jack at 11:00pm, still be sad and still continue to dread this day, all while I honor her.
Until we meet again my friend!!
McKaylee Shaw Gilmore
7.17.1983-2.14.2006
.
February...
Oh what a month, most would think I hate this month because I am single and have never had a romantic Valentine. However it's so much more. February 14, 2006 my life changed forever. I spent the evening with my very close friends, having some drinks, laughing, watching intramural basketball games, and jamming to NKOTB. This is also the night my best friend took her life.
Of course now I look back at that night I see all the signs, I know, I know she had her mind made up, she would have done it no matter what, how was I supposed to know(?).
I have tremendous guilt. I knew she was depressed, she had mentioned in the past how she wasn't happy and how life would be easier dead, I'd cry with her and tell her how we'd get past this. Instead of not reporting it and knowing what to look for in suicidal people and their comments, I refused to believe that this was a reality. Or was it just me being naive? I can't get past how I kept thinking that night "what is wrong with her, something is not right". That day she did everything people who take their life do, she contacted all the people she held close in her heart told them how much she loved them, how proud she was of them. She also kept saying that she loved us so much, that she hoped nothing bad ever happens to us. That last part angers me, something bad did happen, she caused it to happen. All the events from the moment of finding out to watching her go in to the ground, are all a vivid blur. We had professors from the counseling program hold group counseling sessions. In one of the sessions, an old friend of McKaylee's put a lot of blame on me and my friends, she said it was our fault she did this. Because we were drinking, I now realize that of course this friend was angry, it is easier to put blame on someone instead of believing it was a choice the person chose. (I also know that the drinking more than likely made it easier for her to go through with it.)
Everyday that goes by, I am stuck with an inner struggle. I have accepted the fact that this was her choice, that I couldn't have changed anything. Yet I do have the what ifs, what if I had said something to someone, what if she had received the proper help, she'd still be here being goofy with me. Being my McKayKay .
But she isn't. So now while I feel constant hurt in my heart, I am so thankful that she was in my life. It really sucks though how the memories that stick out the most are of the last few hours we spent with her, and the events of her funeral. Some days it feels like this is all a dream I'll wake up not knowing the confusion and hurt of losing someone to suicide and my friend will call me just to make fun of my mom's accent, or to tell me she sharted, or pester me to cut her hair, or have me teach her how to wear mascara...
I am slowly changing my thinking and attempting to be thankful that I was one of the last people she wanted to spend time with before her end. I sometimes do wonder if I am actually starting to work through the different grief stages, or am I numbing myself of all of this, basically ignoring it ever happened. I do know that this year on February 14TH I'll still take a shot of Jack at 11:00pm, still be sad and still continue to dread this day, all while I honor her.
Until we meet again my friend!!
McKaylee Shaw Gilmore
7.17.1983-2.14.2006
.
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