Penguin...

I had some drinks with some friends tonight. We talked about how they have been friends for over 25 years, watched each other go through heartache, go through divorce, and are now finally together, happy and in love. They know they are each other's soul mate. This got me thinking... Soul mates.
I believe that we all have soul mates, different kinds of soul mates. We have friends that are your friend soul mate, everything clicks and you will always be the best of friends. We have the typical romantic soul mates. We also have soul mates that are meant to be your soul mate for that certain time in your life.  And honestly the romantic soul mate scares me! Love scares me. Being in love is a vulnerable feeling, a feeling I'm not sure I am ready to take. I want to be ready, I want to feel love and to be loved. In a way I want the fairy tale ending. But my own walls make it hard for me to put myself truly out there. I don't want the hurt of a broken heart, yet I think that you have to have many broken hearts, those relationships are the lessons for the One. I want the guy that is going to fight the walls, help me bring them down, have the patience for me to accept vulnerability. I know he's out there...I've been told so many times that maybe its just not the time. Whenever I hear that I am reminded of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte says "I've been dating for 15 years, where is he already!?" Exactly, where the hell is he? Or at least where the hell are the "frogs" before my "prince". [When I say prince I don't mean the perfect storybook prince charming. I mean the prince for me, the ideal guy that fits me. The fun, dorky, sometimes flawed guy.]
Now don't assume I'm on a mission to find a guy, get married, have kids. These are things I want eventually. I want to have my career established, I want to have adventures, to experience life. But I'd also like to have someone to share these things with. If we get married down the road...that's perfect.
I had a friend recently tell me that I am boy crazy...I am. Whats wrong with that? I become attracted to someone and then want to see where that could lead. And that attraction can leave as fast as it showed itself. It's all part of 'the dating thing, the finding out what you really want'.  What is so bad about that? I used to be the girl that had a guys mind set, life is about sex. I want sex, I want it all the time and that's all it was purely sex.. I was content with just random hook ups, with booty calls. I enjoyed it, it worked for that time in my life.  I'm past that, I realize it's time to leave that lifestyle in the past, time to look for something with substance. I find myself knowing this, but also having a hard time accepting and allowing it. Again, that whole vulnerable feeling.
I'm so sick of the Game, I find the Game to be pathetic,  if you like someone tell them, whats the point in playing with them. If you don't feel its the time to be with that person, then don't make them think it could be.  Now when it comes to the hooking up Game, I rocked that, because really it was nothing, just sex. Once I started to have feelings for the guy, I became a blubbering idiot of the Game. It goes back to the ugh just enough already, stop with the games, you want to be with me..great, if not...then don't lead me on. Because really do you actually gain anything from it? Awesome you got some girl to fall for you, then you crushed her by leading her on with no intentions of it being anything, yes you truly are a great person now for doing that. -I just don't understand how people find this behavior to be acceptable. I think it's cowardly and a shame that people have to build their self-esteem from hurting others.
So as I close this intoxicated rambling of a grrr I'm single and tired of it rant.
Where is my penguin?